Let’s get one thing straight—Michael is not a threat. Not to society, not to the music industry, and certainly not to the field of medicine (thank God). But that hasn’t stopped him from trying to convince people otherwise.
The man wakes up every day with the confidence of a Grammy-winning artist and a board-certified surgeon, despite being neither.
The Singing Career That Never Took Off
Michael has been working on his music career for the better part of a decade, and by working on, I mean posting questionable SoundCloud covers and threatening to drop an album that never materializes. He once spent six months hyping up a song called “Melodic Eruption”, only for it to be a remixed voicemail recording with autotune.
His voice? Imagine a dying cat attempting to yodel inside a tin can. Now, imagine that same cat believing it’s the next pop sensation. That’s Michael. He’s convinced he’s on the verge of stardom, but in reality, his biggest audience consists of three bots and his mom.
But you know what? Fine. Let him chase the dream. At least music is harmless.
What’s not harmless, however, is his “side hustle.”
The Disturbing Freelance Proctology Aspirations
At some point—God knows when—Michael decided that his true calling wasn’t just music. No, apparently, he was also drawn to the delicate, highly specialized world of proctology.
For those unfamiliar, proctology is the medical study of the rectum, anus, and colon. So, naturally, the question arises:
WHAT BUSINESS DOES MICHAEL HAVE IN THIS FIELD?!
He has no degree. No license. No training. But that hasn’t stopped him from calling himself an “Amateur Freelance Proctologist.”
Excuse me? Freelance? Like, is there an Etsy shop for this? Is he putting out Craigslist ads? Where is he finding clients??
The worst part? He actually tried to convince people to let him practice. His sales pitch included phrases like:
- “I have really steady hands.”
- “It’s just a simple inspection, nothing weird.”
- “I watched a YouTube video on it.”
Sir, NO.
Michael’s Threat Level: Zero
At the end of the day, Michael is harmless. He can’t sing well enough to break into the music industry, and he definitely can’t legally practice proctology. If anything, he’s a bigger threat to himself than to the public.
The only real danger? If someone actually takes him up on his “medical services.”
Let’s just pray he sticks to SoundCloud. For everyone’s sake.
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